Love and Respect

Maybe love is not enough...

There are many reasons for divorces and dissatisfied marriages. But, at a high level it often comes down to love and respect. And, in fact, many marriage vows include phrases like "love, honor and cherish". Are we faithful to our vows?

Does the woman feel loved?
Does the man feel honored and respected?

  
When "in love", she usually feels loved and he usually feels respected. The words and actions help each of them feel good about themselves and each other. When she feels loved, it is easier to respect her husband. When he feels respected, it is easier for him to show love to his wife.

When she does not feel loved, it is difficult for most women to respect their husband. When he does not feel respected, it is difficult for most men to intentionally do loving things for their wife to help them feel loved. So couples can easily get into a rut, an endless cycle of negative actions and reactions.

And, as Shaunti Feldhahn pointed out, crying is a woman's response to feeling unloved. Anger is a common response by husbands when they feel disrespected. If you see anger in the home, that may be a response to situations. And likewise, crying is usually a response to situations. There are several articles on this site that also refer to how many of our words and actions are reactions, responses to the actions of others.

It is easy to get into an unhealthy pattern where she does not feel loved and he does not feel respected. Someone has to be the "big kid" and break the cycle.

If you are a man, does your wife feel loved?
If you are a woman, does your husband feel respected?

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
~ Ephesians 5:33

Marriage needs both unconditional love and unconditional respect.

 
To learn much more about this concept, check out Emerson Eggerichs' book Love and Respect. Shaunti Feldhahn has a great talk about respect too in a video interview with Andy Stanley (media links in lower right column).

You may learn more about loving in the Emotional Needs and Love Languages articles.
You may learn more about showing respect in the Never Good Enough article.

Note: When I say "respect", I don't mean we have to respect or accept every action. We can try to show respect for the person. And everyone has some actions that can be cheered and respected.

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