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Affair Chance

This article is intended for the spouse left behind in an affair. And, in particular, those that wish to restore their marriage. Some of it could also apply to others left behind for reasons other than an affair. It will be helpful if you are already familiar with the concepts of emotional needs and love languages. 

There are broad generalizations here. You are unique. Your spouse is unique. So, this information is applicable to many, but certainly not all, situations. 

Dear Friend, 

Thanks a lot for visiting my site. I suspect you are hurting and struggling with all kinds of emotions and thoughts. If the affair was recently discovered, it has probably turned your world upside-down with turmoil. 

I do not know what you have read or what your background might be. So, if some of this sounds like repetition, please forgive me. I hope this does not sound unfeeling. I truly do care. I will try to give a little information and encouragement on affairs from my view from afar. 

About Affairs

Contrary to the movies, most affairs are with friends and coworkers. These are people close enough to meet emotional needs or speak one of your spouse's favorite love languages. They can make your spouse feel good. The start of this attraction may be, and usually is, quite unintentional. So do not assume your spouse "went looking". At this point, we may not know their motives, emotions, feelings, etc. around the situation. 

If you are meeting your spouse's needs, they will usually have little desire to look elsewhere to have their emotional needs met. Or, they will not have a "need" to be met. Ideally your spouse's primary needs are met by you. And precautions are put in place to limit the influence of others. This does not mean people cannot have friends and family. But the primary person to meet the most important needs should be the spouse. That is how you fell in love. That is how you stay in love. 

Unfortunately, many of us have failed to meet our spouse's top emotional needs. So they might feel unfulfilled, discouraged, empty, resentful, bitter, and other emotions. This is not an "excuse" for them. But, it helps us understand how they might have gotten into the situations they did to make their choices. 

So, some of us screwed up. This may or may not be your situation. But, most spouses left behind had some shortcomings in the way they loved. And, if you read my material on emotional needs and love languages, you will see that it could just be that we focused our sincere loving efforts in the wrong directions. 

You may find it encouraging to know that most affairs die a natural death within two years. The grass is not always greener. The new person has their own set of "issues". And they may quit meeting your spouse's needs as they have in the past. 

And marriages built on affairs have very poor odds. A second marriage has a rough time anyway. Add to that the fact that each person knows the other one is very capable of an affair. The trust relationship so critical in a marriage is missing, or at least difficult to attain and maintain. 

You are not alone in this affair situation. That may or may not lessen the pain for you. Thousands have been in very similar situations. Some worked to restore their marriages. Some gave up. Make the effort so that you have "no regrets". Others can help you. And God is able to help you, and the situation. There is hope. 

Steps for Yourself 

1. Get close to God and into daily Bible reading. You will need outside power to guide you on an upright path. The temptations will be frequent. Arm yourself with Godly principles and promises. 
2. We can learn from the situation. We can learn to do better. It may require more than the usual amount of reading. This is important. There are also some cassettes and videos available. 
3. Get encouragement from a friend, a pastor, someone across the Internet, or wherever. Hopeful words will mean a lot. This site tries to give some of that hope. 

Steps for the Affair Situation 

1. Pray for a way for God to be glorified in all of this (at least in the long run). 
2. Light exposes the sins of darkness. Expose the affair to the spouse of the other person. Expose the affair to the church leadership or whomever might be your spiritual authority (and respected by your spouse). 
3. Get a team to restore your marriage. The spouse of the other person should be enlisted - even if they have no interest in saving their own marriage. A pastor or well-respected spiritual or morality leader should be on the team. That will probably be enough. Ganging up on your spouse using dozens of friends and relatives has a high risk of back-fire. 
4. Meet your spouse's top emotional needs whenever you have an opportunity. You may have to guess some since they most-likely will not agree to filling out an emotional needs questionnaire. Your loving actions may not seem to be appreciated. That is okay. Do them anyway. It may take a while to get your spouse to even have neutral feelings for you. Learning how to love is good practice for you anyway.  
5. If you can, cut off all communication between the two in the affair. They must be separated. This may mean lost friendships, job changes, moving, or other radical changes. This is important! The marriage has value! The cutting off is similar to an addiction. This other person must be out of sight and out of mind (over time) so that your spouse can focus on their marriage and receiving love from you, their spouse. 
6. In an affair situation, if the wayward spouse refuses to cut off communication with the other person, there are situations where a temporary separation may be necessary. This forces the wayward spouse to choose between you and the family OR the other person(s). They do not have a right to benefit from having needs met by both you and the other person(s). This separation is temporary. It does not mean a legal separation is required. The goal remains to restore the marriage in the long-term. There are definite risks involved in choosing separation. But, many times this "wake up call" leads to a serious attempt at restoring the marriage. It can also be a defensive move to stop some of the pain. Remember, generally try this only if the wayward spouse refuses to stop the affair.  The intent is still to save the marriage. 
7. Gain understanding. To the extent your spouse will share them, listen to their thoughts and feelings. Some affairs are from conscious acts away from the spouse. Most are a surprise (Yes, even to the ones in it!) and unintentional. And very often, the person finds themselves in love with their spouse and the object of the affair at the same time. Add to that their struggling with spiritual and moral issues. It can be tormenting emotionally. You do not have to approve of their actions and say it was "okay". But, strive for some understanding. 
8. Lead. You may have to be the "big kid" in this situation and set an example. Show humility and admit your own sins, mistakes, struggles, and failures. Show the love and fruit of the Spirit in the Bible. It is not easy. But, God put it in there because it works - for us and for our relationships. Show appreciation for little things. Give encouragement and praise for baby steps of progress, rather than criticism. 
9. Learn relationship practices that actually work. Not every book on the Relationship shelf in the book store has answers for a God-honoring marriage. Read several, compare them to Biblical principles, use your own head and experience, and figure out the advice most-likely to help your own situation. 

I hope this will help your particular situation. I am passing on what I have learned from observation and from several experts in relationships. These actions will improve the chances for your marriage. I cannot guarantee a restored marriage. Each person still has "free will". But, I am convinced that restoration and reconciliation will honor God. They are a central theme of the Bible from the fall to sin in early Genesis through the final verses of Revelation. Reconciliation is one of God's specialties. 

May God bless you richly as you seek to please Him and restore your marriage. 

-- Ron

You may wish to consider a powerful e-mail newsletter from http://www.marriagerestorationministries.com  . There are many "standers" out there, both (ex)wives and (ex)husbands, taking a stand for their marriage. 

One of the best sources of information relating to affairs is http://www.marriagebuilders.com . Dr. Bill (Willard F.) Harley wrote a book specifically on Surviving An Affair. This site, and many other people, also reference his research into emotional needs, love busters, and other relationship concepts. The Web site there also has a forum/bulletin board for interacting with others in similar situations. Be advised that not all visitors have a Christian perspective though. 

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